The Salty Peanut Gallery

AWW YEAH! That’s how I roll!

Time to lighten up around here. Got a book for Christmas that some of you may enjoy. It’s called “Stuff Christians Like” by Jonathan Acuff. It’s a collection of funny ideas and posts, much of which came from his blog www.stuffchristianslike.net along with illustrations to amplify the hilarity. Here’s a brief excerpt that I found particularly funny. By the way, I won’t tell you how I scored on this survey, but let’s just say I would never be accused of being metro:

THE METROSEXUAL WORSHIP LEADER

When you tell someone about your church, there’s unfortunately not a standard system to describe the degree of metrosexuality your worship leader possesses. Wouldn’t it be awesome to say, “You’ll love my church and the music. We have a 78-point metrosexual worship leader”? Or if you were driving by a church and you saw a hip-looking “42″ in the corner of the sign, you’d know instantly how metro the worship experience was going to be.

Doesn’t that sound fantastic? I think so, and as a service to churches around the world, I created an easy rating system to analyze how metrosexual your worship leader is:

Metrosexual Worship Leader Scorecard

1. Has a faux hawk hair style +1
2. Has more product in his hair than your wife +1
3. Has Rob Bell, black rimmed glasses +1
4. They are not prescription, but just for effect +2
5. Attends the Catalyst Conference +3
6. Performs at the Catalyst Conference +10
7. Owns Puma, Vans or Diesel sneakers +2 for each pair
8. Wears jeans on stage +1
9. Wears designer jeans on stage +2
10. Wears designer ladies jeans on stage +4
11. Wears Wrangler or Rustler jeans on stage -3
12. Has a goatee +2
13. Wears one of those Castro revolution looking hats +2
14. Drinks coffee on stage +1
15. Drinks some kind of coffee you did not know existed +2
16. Brings a French Press on stage and makes his own coffee during service +5
17. Has a handlebar mustache -3
18. Good at Frisbee but hates getting all “sweaty” +1
19. Has a haircut that covers one of his eyes while singing +1
20. Owns a white belt +2
21. Owns suspenders, although not in an ironic way -3
22. Wears a scarf with a t-shirt +1
23. Wears a winter knit hat even in the summer +2
24. Reads quotes from the Bible between songs using iPhone or Kindle +2
25. Drives an Audi or VW, silver of course +2
26. Uses the words, “postmodern, relevant” or “emergent” nonstop +2
27. Cringes a little when people say the “H word.” (Hymnal) +3
28. Owns a Grizzly Adams red and black flannel shirt -2
29. Named his kid after a color, number, or city +2
30. Casually references Norwegian punk bands you’ve never heard of +2
31. Wears a tie -1
32. Wears a tie as a belt +2
33. Looks as if he might exfoliate +2
34. Has a man bag or European Carry-All +2
35. Brings said bag on stage with him +2
36. Has a tattoo +2
37. Has a visible tattoo +4
38. Wife accompanies him on stage and plays tambourine -4
39. Was formerly in a punk new wave band +2
40. Is currently in a punk new wave band +3
41. Your wife ever says, “He needs a barrette for his hair.” +2
42. Has a soul patch +3
43. Won’t play barefoot on stage until he gets a pedicure +2
44. Refers to California as “the left coast” +2
45. Twitters and updates his blog while leading worship +2
46. Read the last line and laughed at how out dated Twitter is because he’s already using some sort of hologram technology the rest of the world won’t find out about for three years +4
47. His toddler dresses cooler than you +2

How did your worship leader score? How did you score? And what’s it all mean? I’m glad you asked. Here’s how to assess a point total:

0 – 10 points = Hymnal Hero
You, my friend, are what is known in the industry as a “Hymnal Hero.” (That’s the industry of sarcasm, by the way) You’re not metro in the least bit. You don’t like fruit flavored chapstick and think that songs that were written in this century, or the last one for that matter, are “too new.” If married, your wife tries to get you to wear hip jeans, but you’re not into it. When my cologne that smells like old hymnal comes out, you will buy a case.

11 – 20 points = Tomlin Curious
Oh, well hello there, you’re Tomlin Curious. I am, of course, referring to Chris Tomlin, one of the founding fathers of metrosexual worship leading. You’re currently dipping a toe, possibly even a pedicured toe, into the idea of all of this. You still rock the occasional hymnal, but recently you saw a wide leather bracelet at the mall and thought about getting it. When you sleep at night, you can hear voices calling you, “Come style your hair…Come frost your tips.”

21 – 40 points = Goatee Guy
Right now, you’re wearing Pumas and drinking a coffee that has fourteen words in its name. It’s cool – I have Pumas on too. You’ve gone over to the Salmon side. (This is the side where instead of saying “pink” you say things are “salmon” or “melon” or “coral.”) You rarely play a hymn and style yourself after Jeremy Camp. For breakfast you had something with “wheat grass” in it.

41 + points = Girl Jeans Gambler
I’ve never personally rocked the girls jeans because they make my legs look really skinny. Oh, and I’m also a boy. But you’re thinking about it. You might not be ready to do the eyeliner thing, but when you shop for clothes you get a little tempted to hit up the makeup counter. You’ve never sung a hymn and think Chris Tomlin is “too traditional.”

0 = Metrotastical
Surprisingly enough, zero is the highest degree of metrosexuality you can posses. Why? Because it’s a trend and trends change. So if you’re truly a metrosexual worship leader of the highest degree, by the time this book comes out, you will have moved on to what’s next, which will probably be homemade clothing. You’ll be knitting your own oddly shaped jeans and chunky socks on stage in between songs. And I’ll be in the crowd finally wearing a white belt and saying, “Come on! Now I have to learn how to knit to stay cool? You guys are killing me.”

“You do not know what tomorrow will bring. What is your life? For you are a mist that appears for a little time and then vanishes.” – James 4:14

I went to a funeral yesterday. He was one of my daughter’s friends, a 21 year-old boy that lost his life in a car crash early last Sunday morning. His vehicle left the road, went into a field and flipped multiple times. He was thrown from the car and pronounced dead at the scene. A friend who was with him was also thrown from the vehicle but was rushed to the hospital with non-life-threatening injuries.

His death hits a little close to home for me when I realize how easily it could have been my own daughter. Just a few short hours before the accident he had called her to see if she wanted to go hang out. Thankfully she told him no. And even though she now feels a little guilty, wishing she could have been there to somehow prevent this from happening, the reality is that had she gone she very likely would have been seriously injured or killed along with him.

He was a very likable guy, always the life of the party. He was loved by everyone who knew him. He had a lot of friends. He was known for being fun loving, genuine and vastly loyal. He loved sports, he loved his car and he loved his music. In honor of his two favorite professional sports teams, all of his friends came to the funeral dressed in Washington Redskins jerseys and wearing New York Yankees ball caps turned around backwards.

His youth pastor gave a tearful eulogy during the service, also wearing a Yankees cap. The pastor gave testimony of their friendship, of the many laughs they shared together, and above all, his profession of faith in Christ. The pastor encouraged family and friends that if their loved one were able to come back and speak to them from the grave, he would tell them that life on earth is temporary, but a relationship with Christ is eternal and that the most important thing is for them to place their trust in Jesus and receive eternal life so that they would one day join him in heaven.

Even though I personally didn’t know him, attending his funeral was very sobering. I was reminded once again of the brevity of life. Life is short. There’s very little time to waste. Solomon put it this way:

“Light is sweet, and it is pleasant for the eyes to see the sun. So if a person lives many years, let him rejoice in them all; but let him remember that the days of darkness will be many. All that comes is vanity.” –Ecclesiastes 11:8

Solomon wrote figuratively of light and darkness as metaphors for life and death. “If a person lives many years,” he says, “let him rejoice in them all.” And what reasons does he give for rejoicing in life? First of all life is a blessing. It is “sweet” and it is a “pleasant” thing to be able to wake up every morning and see the sun. Every day of our existence, God gives us something good that makes life worth living. We need to rejoice in the blessing of life.

Secondly life is short. The words, “remember the days of darkness will be many” is an intentional understatement to say the least. In reality death and the afterlife is forever. Even “if a person lives many years,” life on earth is brief by comparison. We need to rejoice and take advantage of every day of our existence.

The other thing is that death is a mystery. “All that is to come is vanity” or “meaningless” in the sense of being obscure or enigmatic. While the hope of heaven may be certain, God has intentionally chosen not to reveal to us the mysteries of eternity. With that thought in mind we need to fully appreciate all the wisdom and understanding that God gives us in the short time we have here on earth.

I’m praying for you, my daughter. I know you miss your friend. And I know you’re feeling a little guilty for not being there. But everything happens for a reason. We may not always understand the reasons why, but nothing takes God by surprise. Like the pastor said, the final day of life on earth for any of us has already been planned “before the foundation of the world.” I pray that you will find comfort in knowing that God is in control and that He loves you and wants you to grow from all this. I pray that God will give you peace that passes all understanding. Most of all I pray that you will be reminded how brief life is. We’re only here for a short time. None of us are guaranteed even another breath. That’s why it’s so important to take full advantage of every moment of this short life we’ve been given. I love you, my daughter and I’m praying for you.

I would rather be wise than young. I haven’t always felt this way. Thirty-seven was a difficult age for me. That was the year I realized that I was three-quarters of the way through my thirties and forty was just around the corner. See before, forty was just out there somewhere and I didn’t really need to worry about it. Now it would be here before you know it. And for the next three years I literally stewed over the fact that I was about to turn forty and my youth would be gone forever.

And then it happened, my fortieth birthday. And you know what? It wasn’t the end of the world. The sun came up. I got out of bed and life went on. And then I had an epiphany. I realized that forty was just a number. Nothing had really changed. I didn’t really feel any different. I was still me, I just wasn’t thirty-something anymore.

The other thing I realized was that being forty meant I had twice as much real world experience as I did when I was twenty. Twice as much enlightenment, twice as much information, twice as much realization, twice as much sensibility, twice as much, maybe more. That’s when it occurred to me that being wise was infinitely better than being young.

Christmas Eve 1983

I had spent the day in Lynchburg, Virginia with my finance and her family. It was a cold dark wintery night with wind chills down to thirty below. My mother-in-law-to-be had warned me earlier that day to make sure I had a full tank of gas before it got too late, because filling stations would be closing early for the holiday. I assured her that I was fine, knowing in my heart that I had barely a quarter of a tank of gas, yet not really wanting to leave the presence of the object of my affection for even a moment to go and do what needed to be done in order to insure safety in the hour long drive I had before me back to my home in Roanoke. “If I needed gas,” I reasoned, “surely I’ll be able to find something.”

The hour was late and it was well past time for me to be off. I said my good-byes, gave the talented and lovely future Mrs. Black a kiss good night, loaded up the car and headed for home. On the way out of town I happened to notice a lonely Seven Eleven by the side of the road with its lights on still open for business. Then I saw the price they were charging for gas and I thought to myself, “There is no way in the world I’m paying that. Surely there’s something else between here and home.” So I sped on into the night.

But there was nothing else. On I went. With each passing mile the gas gauge crept closer and closer toward the empty mark. Now I was beginning to panic. “Just a little farther, I’m almost there. Surely there’ll be something just around the corner.”

And then it happened. The car began to sputter. “Oh no!” I said to myself. “What do I do now?” The car coughed and chocked, then the engine stopped and I coasted to a halt by the side of the road…in the middle of nowhere. Keep in mind, this was in the days before cell phones. There was nothing else for me to do but get out and walk.

But I was too far from town to make it all the away on foot. I needed to find a phone and call for someone to come get me. But where could I find a phone? I noticed a road up ahead jutting off from the main highway. Maybe I could find somebody living along this road that might let me in…a stranger…in the dead of night…on Christmas Eve…

I got out of the car and began to walk. It was so cold. The wind was gusting and I wasn’t dressed properly. It cut like a knife through the thin pair of dress pants I was wearing. As I walked, it didn’t take long for my extremities to gradually go numb. I was losing all feeling in my hands and feet. There were maybe a half dozen houses along this short stretch of road that came to a dead end some two hundred yards ahead. I came to the first home and knocked at the door. Nothing. The house was dark giving every appearance that no one was home. I went to the next door. Same result. I don’t know if it was because it was Christmas Eve and everyone on this street had gone to Grandma’s or maybe it was because nobody in their right mind would answer the door at this late hour. Up and down this dark lonely road my efforts were met with nothing but silence.

Now I was just about at the end of my rope. There was only one house left and if nobody answered I was beginning to think very seriously about breaking and entering, otherwise I would most certainly freeze to death in this cold. I knocked. No response. In desperation I knocked again. Harder. This time I really put my all into it, pounding on the door as if there was no tomorrow. Suddenly, a light came on. The door flew open and I was greeted by an older gentlemen standing there in a bathrobe and slippers.

“Hello, can I help you?” The man was surprisingly kind considering he had just been awakened from a sound sleep by a total stranger pounding like a mad fool on his front door. I quickly explained my predicament, how I had run out of gas in the middle of nowhere and was hoping I could use his telephone to call someone to come get me. The man was an angel of mercy. He let me in, sat me down in his comfy chair in his warm living room, made me a cup of coffee and let me use the phone. Within the half hour a couple of friends arrived to take me home and I thanked the man profusely for his graciousness and his warm hospitality. Thank you, Lord for providing such a kind man to come to my rescue in my hour of deepest foolishness.

Ecclesiastes 8:6-8 says:

“For there is a time and a way for everything, although man’s trouble lies heavy on him. For he does not know what is to be, for who can tell him how it will be? No man has power to retain the spirit, or power over the day of death. There is no discharge from war, nor will wickedness deliver those who are given to it.”

Discernment is such an important thing. It helps us know the right “time” and the right “way” to handle everything we do and this helps keep us from trouble. The consequences for a lack of discernment come when we fail to consider or are ignorant of “what will happen” and “when it will happen.” Solomon explains that these consequence are inevitable. He defines inevitable by giving us three examples of things that no one has the power to avoid. No one has power over “the spirit” or a better rendering may be “the wind.” No one has “power over the day of death.” And no one may be discharged in the middle of battle. So by the same token, no one is excluded from the consequences of a foolish lack of discernment. Like running out of gas, it’s inevitable.

As young people we don’t always understand the consequences of our actions. Oh parents may try to warn us. Older adults may try to give us sound advice and if we’re wise we’ll take it, but until we see firsthand “what is to be”, we don’t always take time to consider it. Until we’ve experienced things for ourselves we don’t fully know the time and way for everything. No one can really tell us how it will be.

They say that hindsight is twenty-twenty. The beauty of hindsight is that when heeded it gives us the forethought to avoid making the same foolish choices we made in our youth. And by God’s grace and through His wisdom we discover that the truths of God are more than just cool Bible stories. They are God’s instructions for the “time and way for everything.” The more we put them into practice the more we avoid the inevitable consequences of foolishness; the more we learn the value of discernment.

I don’t wish I were young. I’d rather be wise.